A Peaceful Warrior's Credo

The opening of the immortal classic The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states: "Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.”

I think of God like this. It’s ridiculous because He’s just too big, powerful, vast, and just big to have proper adjectives to describe the immensity. The biggest changes in my spiritual life have come from me actually believing in the concept of God’s “bigness”. I am a Bible believing Christian, but that statement takes on too many assumptions so I’ll clarify a bit. I believe the Bible is a complex book directly from the God It talks about, written by man, and fully understood by none. I believe the living God of the Bible speaks to me (and others) through the Bible, through others, and through His own voice in my life.

I believe that every thought or action that God deems unholy is viewed equally in His eyes. I believe that many Christians have used the Bible to manipulate and hurt, however that is neither the Bible nor God’s fault… humans can be total assholes (and other even more offensive adjectives).

I believe many Christians have fixated on fixing what they see as sin rather than hearing or seeing the individual and trying to sit in their pain and fears. I believe many Christians have misused the word love to condemn and judge. I believe this because all of this has been done to me, and I have done it to others (and myself). I talk about Christians only (and specifically) here because I want you all to know I had to rebuild my concept and relationship with this being of God, and I had a lot of bitterness and wounds from my Christian upbringing.*

As I rebuilt my relationship with God I began to see the parts of the Bible that talk of love and what it actually looks like (see 1 Corinthians 13 as a guide). I read that if I'm proclaiming this amazing loving God then I should look and act like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I realized I saw a lot of Christians around me that did not look or act these ways (myself included).

I read and heard God say to me that He just loves the shit outta me. He’s obsessed with me and you as His beloved creation. I'm exactly what He wants. He wants to use me as I am and He knows ALL of my "weirdness". He loves me unconditionally - as in, there is no way for me to screw up His love for me.

I began to believe the parts of the Bible where God says He came to free me, to bring me life, and to bring me peace. Armed with these new beliefs I was ready to hear and believe when God told me I was the only one holding on to the chains of shame and fear; He had already forgiven me in everything (and second by second continues to) and I should choose to live as if that unending grace were true. No more punishing myself, no more hiding from God because I “know how wicked I am” (holding shame so intimately in my entire being). I just believed Him when He said He thinks I’m a badass (I’m paraphrasing God here…).

It’s a damn cheat code. I threw away about 20 years of some heavy weight I'd been carrying around in a second. It really felt like it was too easy.

Being a good skeptic, I tested everything I was feeling and putting faith into against the Bible. I also had hundreds of deep conversations with a ton of diverse people to question the things I was hearing from God. I demanded proofs from God (I could tell you stories, but they only applied to me… but holy hell even my wounded, untrusting, cynical heart couldn’t help but to be reinforced with more faith.)

But, whatever, those are my experiences, you can believe them or not. The best part of God is that I can’t do enough harm to screw up His perfect plan. If you read this and become even more convinced God isn’t real, then the God I believe in will make it right. If you don’t believe or accept this, then so be it. I never had control over that in any capacity (it’s very freeing… and it still makes me think it’s a cheat code).

I’m obsessed with my heavenly Father. If you talk to me, it will come out. I’m also obsessed with individuals and their stories. I've discovered something in this. I’m not able to hear a person’s story if they don’t feel safe to tell me. With that understanding, I rarely begin conversations leading with my faith and beliefs. I think the best way to hear someone’s story is to ask them questions… then listen… then just listen… really just listen.

Like I said, I’m obsessed with people’s stories - who they are, what they believe, why they believe those things, what they think of themselves and why, what they want, what hurts them, what makes them feel strong... and about 90% of those things won’t be shared with me if I’m not

1. The one who admits my own fears and hurts first and

2. Actually listen to them without interjecting my own beliefs.

I say I want to be a peaceful warrior to stand in the gap of those who have lost hope and can’t forgive themselves anymore. If I’m to do that, I MUST be accepted into places of deep pain and darkness. To do this I will (and now have) pour out my heart first so you can know I’m not bullshitting or pretending. Then, next, I'll say publicly I don’t care what you look like, who you have sex with (with the exception of ANY unwanted sex by ANY party, and/or anyone over the age of 18 having ANY kind of sexual relationship with someone under the age of 18)**; I don’t care what you call yourself or what pronouns you use, I don’t care how fucked up you think you are, I don’t even care how skeptical you are of me or if you just want to put me to the test… I don't care about any of that. I believe to find any margin of healing it starts with understanding. Therefore, I will always make sure you feel safe around me and I will learn to communicate to you in the way you need.

I think that’s love, but I also know this is part of my calling and not necessarily anyone else’s. I firmly believe this is at least part of who and what I’m supposed to be and I have finally fully believed that God is the one calling me to it. Believing in God has also allowed me to see this amount of honesty as an amazing adventure that He’s allowing me to be on where I discover myself, God, and others more deeply… it’s amazing how much more peace and fullness I feel.

This brings me to my final ramblings.

I’ve found that people who read my blogs have a couple reactions. There are those that tell me it connected with them and they found something positive through them. This, obviously, makes me very happy as it’s the reason for my posting them. Then there’s the other common reaction: discomfort. Sometimes they say “Damn, that’s brutally honest, huh?”, or “You really put it all out there, huh?”. The tone usually suggests they certainly would NOT have been that honest and they also now reserve some mild judgements against me.

This sounds crazy I know: but, what if, just maybe, this will resonate with some and not others. That people are different and will receive things differently... crazy right? To the ones it resonates with, I have been told my honesty is what helps them see they’re not alone, that someone understands them.

I have been told I’m a natural leader, that I’m charismatic and people will listen to me, that I have a bearing and presence about me which conveys confidence. This may come off as arrogant, but so be it. I say it because, even with this, I struggle with self confidence and self doubt constantly. No matter how I’m viewed, the truth is I’m afraid of what people think of me a lot of the time. My journey is becoming fearless in this by recognizing my worth outside of my actions and anyone’s opinions of me. It took a bunch of people being radically honest with me to grow to where I can admit all this. So I’m being honest for others to begin this process. Here’s how I see the process.

• Admitting and allowing others inside the struggles is how I am finding healing.

  • Once I admitted and allowed others in I found there are many well meaning individuals that are not equipped to assist in my struggles.

  • I found a handful of individuals who I deem to be wise and mature and want the best for me. Through communication they help me uncover the parts of me I can’t for myself.

  • I trust them in my life (to speak into my life and to not judge me or look at me differently in the honesty), and they trust me in their life. This is imperative for the next steps to work.

• No one knew how to help in my struggles because I didn’t honestly admit my struggles. I also did not communicate properly how they could help with the struggles (how best to communicate with me and how I’m motivated).

  • This took self reflection then the courage to speak my needs to the people I’m talking to.

• I didn’t fully know what my struggles were until these trusted people heard and began processing my emotions, reactions, actions, thoughts, and judgments

• In understanding these more fully, this trusted person and I are able to process why I have these reactions, emotions, judgments… etc., and where they come from.

  • This allows me to more fully see the origin of the wounds that are the inevitable causes behind the negative thoughts, behaviors, actions, reactions, and judgments.

• This cycle of talking, understanding, learning, and trusting more is the opposite of the shame cycle I can so easily go down.

I want to be that trusted person if you don’t have one. I throw that out to anyone that needs to talk. Anonymously or not, my contact information is on the website which contains my cell phone and personal email, I'm here, vastly imperfect, be here.

*I’m more than willing to talk about my beliefs one on one with anyone. I’ll be upfront and tell you I can’t make you believe me. I can back up my Christian and other social views outside of the Bible as that can be a deterrent to many who don’t believe in it. I say all this with the caveat that I am more than willing to accept my ignorance in a vast number of areas. I love to disagree and dig into why we believe differently, but I’m always more interested in finding out what people have in common first and foremost. I think a lot of conversations are about winning a point rather than trying to understand someone more fully.

**Even if you have done these things that’s not too far or too “bad” for you to be safe or loved by me or God, I just can’t promise it will be anonymous at that point. Also, nothing of this nature scares me or God and when He says He forgives you He means all of you... if and when you choose to accept.