A Peaceful Warrior's duty as an advocate of the weary.

In my last blog I talked about who I want to be and touched on why. I’m going to clarify my why then talk about how to help people stuck in this same place of shame.

Why write this?

I write this because I’ve had so many thoughts running through my head for so long I wanted to see if I could make more sense of them if I put them down on “paper”. My desire is to gain better insight into my own life by putting it in the open, and in the process, resonate with someone and make a difference for them as well.

I write this because, what started as a journey a little over 3 years ago, has now become something of an obsession and what I see as my calling and purpose. God has been working hard on me (and I have been working hard on myself) to whittle down the jumble of thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart to try and make order from chaos. Out of this came a vast heart and longing to be in the battle for souls full time. As I am working on my own healing, I want to share what I’ve been through and where I’m going. I want to help someone who may not have the ability to do this for themselves.

I write this because I see a need to defend and be an advocate for the broken and maybe, by my vulnerability, give voice to others who have borne the weight of shame from their behaviors and are desperate to find healing also. I hope to give someone a look at a broken boy who is learning to be a man so I am held accountable to continue my healing and growth. At the same time I want to be a voice to the weary saying with certainty that you are not alone in your hidden shame, thoughts, and behaviors.

I’ll be switching between “I” “us” and “we” for a bit here. All the statements I make are my story however, I know they will resonate with a bunch of other wounded warriors (I consider every person in this fight to be a warrior. You wake up every day knowing it will be tough, but stay in the fight, you’re a badass warrior) and I am voicing the things I wanted people to know for the ones that can’t voice it themselves.

I want to address a question that has been asked by some of my friends. “How do I, as someone who hasn’t dealt with trauma and/or doesn’t know how to relate, help this obviously wounded person?”

To begin, you need to understand that emotions are not based on logic. As I struggle with shame, fear, or feelings that I am a fake or liar, it’s not a logical thought pattern. While I have plenty of justifications as to how and why I’m a unique piece of shit, none of them are actually logical.

Once you understand this not to be logical, it becomes impossible to fix us logically. One of the most frustrating things to hear from a well meaning person is “well that’s wrong and you shouldn’t believe that or feel that way”; or “well you’re just believing in a lie, and you should stop”. It’s so frustrating to hear verses I’ve already memorized said to me as if they’re supposed to be a revelation and heal me right then and there; or when all the best platitudes are recited as if I haven’t spent 2 decades saying them to myself. Giving me one more thing to do…It’s so frustrating when people try to fix us instead of just grieving, loving, and journeying beside us.

It’s not like I want to feel guilt, shame, and fear. I don’t want to have a negative track playing in my head everyday. What I want is to see myself wholly and completely loved and regarded. I understand spiritually that God has made me a new creation (and I’ve claimed this about 1000 times). I understand intellectually and emotionally that I have the tools to help myself when I’m feeling triggered (and I use them everyday). BUT, I still struggle for freedom from these feelings and thoughts.

For someone to try to fix us is to push us further into the shame we already feel. Many times, very good meaning people will do their best to help someone locked in a shame cycle only to make that person feel they haven’t tried hard enough to block the lie of shame and guilt. It just perpetuates the feelings that we aren’t doing enough and that everyone else is better than us because they aren’t struggling. We feel we really are the weak, selfish, failure we see ourselves as. This just loops us right back into the cycle.

So what can be done for me and my fellow wounded warriors?

The first and most important thing I needed to hear (we need to hear) is that I was and am absolutely and perfectly loved. That, outside of anything I have or have not done; outside of anything I could ever do or not do; I am beautifully and wonderfully made and perfectly complete. I needed to know that my wounds were real, that my pain was real, and that it did not make me weak to feel and react negatively from that pain. I needed to be held and to be allowed and safe to break down and cry. I needed to know that my story mattered and someone wanted desperately to hear it, that I mattered and that someone was desperate to know me. That I could NEVER screw up enough to stop being loveable, that I was unconditionally well regarded and loved.

Sounds daunting, maybe but it’s pretty easy to start. Tell that person you see them (then actually see them), tell them you hear them (then listen to them), tell them you love them (this one should be self explanatory, but I'll put some things that aren't loving us in this moment). Love does not mean telling us the errors of our ways or thoughts. Love does not mean condemning us for the things we've done. Love does not mean preaching to us about our depravity…we already know the “right answers”, we already feel we’re fuck ups, we already see our depravity, and we already have kicked the shit out of ourselves for all of it.

What we desperately crave and need is to be accepted and loved without conditions (it’s weird when someone says they love unconditionally then put stipulations around their approval or acceptance). That’s it, just that. That’s the start. Do that, and you’re miles ahead of any kind of advice that may help.

Now, unfortunately we probably won’t believe you, not at first. We’ve lied to ourselves and others so long that we don’t have trust for anyone or anything. So it’s going to take time, and it’s going to frustrate you, and we’re going to have success then fall right back into the same things. We may not thank or acknowledge you in the process, but make no mistake, we are being affected. Slowly the defenses that have been built over so many years will crack just a little, just enough to allow you to stand in that gap as a peaceful warrior. To then see all those defenses start to come down because you are showing us love when we couldn’t show it to ourselves. The goal is to walk bravely through the storm of defenses to its heart and find the scared and wounded child that just needs a damn hug.